Thursday, blegh.

Today is kind of a shitty day. I’m trying to get who I am down on paper but I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

I wish some people would just give me the fucking time of day.

Tattoos and progress?

So I haven’t really written much about my past few days, so here it goes.

Friday, I of course went to go see The Dark Knight. It was amazing. Enough said.

Saturday, I spent the day with my mom shopping and then I drove out to Long Island to go see my friends’ band’s show down at the Crazy Donkey. The show was a lot of fun and it was really nice to catch up with those guys. Afterwards, we went out to Dan’s house in Queens and had a good old time at the after party. John tells an amazing story. Or, you know, thirty. Basically didn’t leave the party till 2am and then drove all the way back home listening to shitty pop music and generally feeling amazing.

Sunday, I bummed around all day. Went to lunch with my family and watched television with my mom all night.

Monday, work. Lots of work.

Tuesday, Work again! Then I went out with some friends and we just kinda hung out and did a lot of nothing. Got kinda bummed out at the end of the night, but then the ex called and things seemed to be picking up again. Until…

Wednesday. Work. Fighting and misunderstandings. I really hate the internet sometimes because there’s no way to really defend yourself when it comes to someone misinterpreting what you’re saying, especially when they’re already very angry with you and don’t want to hear a word, or “excuse”, that comes out of your mouth. The afternoon picked up a little bit.  We both agreed to kind of start out with a clean slate and not have any expectations, he that I would fail and I that we would get back together. Therapy went really well and my assignment this week is to think of things that I want to change about myself, things that he wants me to change about myself, and the reasons I’m afraid of being alone. Great. Those lists will probably make it on here at some point, along with lasts week’s assignment if I ever finish it.

Today, pay day! I’m five days worth of very little pay richer! I don’t know what I’m doing tonight but it’s probably nothing good. Probably just cleaning my room and preparing for the weekend. Might even go to the gym!

I might go out and get another tattoo (or three) before school starts and I run out of money. Who knows, but I’m definitely seriously considering some ideas.

Send me on my way.

I’m pretty sure tonight is the night my inside self is taking a stand. Or, at least, something like that.

I have determined that I am done letting my life rule me. This is my life. Mine. Why would I leave something that amazing up to chance? I’ve gotta stop sitting back and I’ve got to slap life in the fucking face and just start living. Do what I want, when I want. Love, hate, feel each inch of life. I want everything completely and nothing halfway. It’s come down to all or nothing.

Everything is beautiful.  I don’t care if it’s rough and splintered and covered in blood. It’s fucking perfect the way it goddamn is. Sometimes we just have to realize that us sitting back and bitching about what’s being handed to us is completely the opposite of what we should be doing. Too many people just whine about how they’re living these completely empty lives. Get up and do something about it. I’ve gotta do it too. We all have to. This is our time to let go and hold on, all at the same time.

I’ve got to let go of this person that I’ve been for the past few years. That’s not me. I’ve known that it wasn’t me for a long time but I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t think I was strong enough. I’m about as solid as I’ve ever been and I’m NOT backing down now. I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am. I’m going to fucking own my life. Hold on. Let go and hold on.

I don’t need anyone. I’m self-sufficient. I’m independent. I don’t need someone to hold my doors for me. I open my own doors and when they’re isn’t one, I’ll get a wrecking ball and make a huge fucking hole in the wall to let me through. It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind a nice guy with a cute smile holding my door open for me. I definitely wouldn’t mind that one bit. It’s just time for me to realize that a guy is a luxury, not a necessity.

I told him I changed. I told him I got better. I am better. I’m getting better by the second and one day, he’s going to realize what he’s missing out on. For now, this is me. I’m myself, and I’m happy. I’m one whole person. Do what you love and fuck the rest? Damn fucking straight. That’s exactly what’s going to go down from now on.

Duh nuh nuh nuh, Duh nuh nuh nuh BATMAN!

I don’t even know how to explain the amazingness of what I saw on screen tonight. It. Was. PERFECT.

There’s a reason Dark Knight is the number three movie of all time on IMDB.

So, hello.

I’m not quite sure where to start, so here goes.

I’m Sarah. I’m a student, full time. I go to college pretty locally. I work my ass off at just about everything I do. I’m also a secretary for the biggest HVAC company in my county. I’ve got really great friends, they’re pretty much my family.

I recently had this sort of revelation and a lot of things that were taking a huge toll on my life came together and I suddenly just felt a lot better. I’m back in therapy after a three year hiatus and life seems pretty good. I’m generally happy now, except that I’m going through a really bad breakup with this guy that I thought might stick around for a lot longer. I know I took advantage of him but I also know that I could handle the relationship now if I got another chance, it’s just a matter of convincing him that I deserve one.

Tonight, I’m going to see Dark Knight, probably for free. Going with my best friend and her boyfriend. There’s a movie theatre about twenty minutes away that, after 11pm, does not check tickets. Hopefully we can actually get in.

Also, I’m a huge fucking dork.