I’m pretty sure tonight is the night my inside self is taking a stand. Or, at least, something like that.
I have determined that I am done letting my life rule me. This is my life. Mine. Why would I leave something that amazing up to chance? I’ve gotta stop sitting back and I’ve got to slap life in the fucking face and just start living. Do what I want, when I want. Love, hate, feel each inch of life. I want everything completely and nothing halfway. It’s come down to all or nothing.
Everything is beautiful. I don’t care if it’s rough and splintered and covered in blood. It’s fucking perfect the way it goddamn is. Sometimes we just have to realize that us sitting back and bitching about what’s being handed to us is completely the opposite of what we should be doing. Too many people just whine about how they’re living these completely empty lives. Get up and do something about it. I’ve gotta do it too. We all have to. This is our time to let go and hold on, all at the same time.
I’ve got to let go of this person that I’ve been for the past few years. That’s not me. I’ve known that it wasn’t me for a long time but I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t think I was strong enough. I’m about as solid as I’ve ever been and I’m NOT backing down now. I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am. I’m going to fucking own my life. Hold on. Let go and hold on.
I don’t need anyone. I’m self-sufficient. I’m independent. I don’t need someone to hold my doors for me. I open my own doors and when they’re isn’t one, I’ll get a wrecking ball and make a huge fucking hole in the wall to let me through. It’s not to say that I wouldn’t mind a nice guy with a cute smile holding my door open for me. I definitely wouldn’t mind that one bit. It’s just time for me to realize that a guy is a luxury, not a necessity.
I told him I changed. I told him I got better. I am better. I’m getting better by the second and one day, he’s going to realize what he’s missing out on. For now, this is me. I’m myself, and I’m happy. I’m one whole person. Do what you love and fuck the rest? Damn fucking straight. That’s exactly what’s going to go down from now on.
I went through an extremely messy breakup myself a while ago. Up until recently, I was dealing with the aftermath, kind of stuck in denial and still hoping the girl was coming back. I was making changes, trying to become a better person… First, it was to try to be better to win her back. Then it was just because I needed to, myself, prove I could be the person I wanted to be.
Taking control of your life like this is a great thing. It’s necessary, really. It takes time and patience, and you could say there might be relapses and mistakes on the way there… but it’s worth it in the end if you become who you want to be. It’s a good time for people to do it too, maybe the only time, our age. But anyway, I kind of know what this process is like, how it feels, how it gets hard sometimes. Good luck with it, really.
At least you changed too. I think I’ve got it down pretty much. I’ve been trying to change for a long time now.